A Different Adventure
It has been 4 weeks post operation. Healing and recovery is taking longer than I expected. Maybe it’s my age.
I’ve never been hospitalised and cut open before, this is big deal for me. A myoma had to finally be taken out and together with it I lost my ‘womb’.
It’s interesting that all of these happened at a time when the one and only baby I bore in my womb finally finished school and is starting a very promising career. A time when a major life project has been birthed and will show itself to the world in physical form. A time when relationships have grown tired, it seems lost. This has been a time of birth and loss. Conception and letting go.
The timing is profound. I am still in the thick of unraveling. Never thought that the feeling of extreme joy, gratitude, celebration, mourning, and sadness can happen all at once and simultaneously like the rolling of waves from afar, gaining energy and momentum until it reaches the shore with a powerful crash.
There are so many questions and times of questioning. Stuff that you pushed aside because it seems more productive to reach goals and complete tasks. And now it comes to the fore.
I write because it helps with the isolation of having this feeling. We may have the constant love and care of family and friends but I realise they cannot join you in the depths of your thoughts and emotions.
I write for myself (not an audience) because it helps me unravel and gain clarity. I write because so much FOMO-ish stuff is put out there that it seems we live perfect instagram lives.
I’m embracing the pain, the scars, the heartbreak, the tiredness, the joy, the breakthroughs, the anger, and the love. I am honouring all of it and letting it flow through me, not consume me.
I write so I can be reminded that even though I’m an imperfect WIP, I am complete and never not ready. I will always be ready to jump into the water and swim because more than a decade ago, believe it or not, Jesus gave me a gift… He gave me a moving picture of us running together and then tightly holding hands jumping into an epic waterfall. We never let go. Cheesy it seems, but I hold that picture deep within, especially now.
I will trust and embrace this new season. After all, my most fertile womb is the one found in my heart and mind.